Corny Golf Jokes

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

Buh-dup-dum

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

Buh-dup-dum

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."

Buh-dup-dum

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Buh-dup-dum

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Buh-dup-dum

I'll be here all week. Tell your friends.

Cheers!

Rob

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Golfing in Taiwan - Part I

This is the first part of a multi-part post about my experience golfing in Taiwan this January. I don’t know how many parts this thing will have; I’ll keep going until I’m done. Pictures will be added later.

Before my trip to Taiwan my mother-in-law told me that she had friends who golf every day and I was invited to go with them. You can't imagine how happy I was. Normally when I got to Taiwan I spend my days sitting around the house watching CNN or table tennis championships on ESPN until the men come home from work. But this trip would be different. On this trip I'd be golfing.

Now, in America, we have this saying that starts "If something sounds too good to be true..."

Strike one - To begin with, it wasn’t every day; it was every weekday, Monday through Friday. I could live with this, I mean, it’s still golfing five days a week for three weeks, and in January. Come on, whose gunna complain about that.

Strike two – The course is not a regulation par 72 course. It’s an executive course, par 60, with seven par threes and two par fours. It’s also a nine-hole course, but you play it twice for your eighteen (and my hosts like to play thirty-six holes). Still, I’m not complaining, golf is golf and this will give me an opportunity to work on my mid-irons. I’m still psyched.

Strike Three – My hosts tee off at 5:30 in the morning, every morning. That’s not funny -- that’s going a little too far.

But still, I’m a trooper, I want to golf, so I agree to go. Therefore, two days after arriving in Taiwan, I found myself waking up at 5:00 am (which is 9:00 pm Pacific Time – so my clock was all screwed up) preparing to golf with people I can’t talk to.

My hosts, who I’m introduced to as Mr. and Mrs. Lin, pick me up at 5:20. They are a very friend husband and wife around sixty years old. He is a retired state Senator. They smile a lot and know how to say “Hello” and “Ok”. Our conversation goes something like this:

Mr. Lin: Hello
Me: Hi, nice to meet you.
Mr. Lin: Ok.
Me: Ok?
Mrs. Lin: (smiles)
Mr. Lin: (picking up my golf bag) Ok, ok. Hello. (Laughs).
Me: Ready.
Mr. Lin: Ok.

The drive to the course takes about 15 minutes. Chinese music plays on the radio and Mr. and Mrs. Lin chatter in Chinese. “Wow,” I think. “If I didn’t golf I wouldn’t be having this experience right now.” Then I look out the window into the still dark morning and wonder if that’s a good thing.

When we arrive at the first tee its still dark. There are a group of about twenty people between the ages of fifty and eighty stretching, farting, jabbering, and laughing. I’m still trying to figure out how I got here. After fifteen minutes of the pre-game ritual, Mr. Lin says “Ok,” and it’s off to the first tee.

“Ok,” he says, waving his hand, indicating that I have honors. I look out into the dark and think, “What the …” Mr. Lin smiles, points, and says, “E-by-san-woo.” I know enough Chinese to interpret that to mean 135. I just don’t know if that’s yards or meters. Yikes.

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My Daughter Golfing

Here's a video of my daughter golfing on her 2nd birthday. I have to fix that cross handed grip. The over under on when she beats me is 13. Place your bets!

Stay tuned, a posting about golfing in Taiwan is right around the corner.



Cheers!

Rob

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The Off Season

I'm tired. That's all I can say. The time has changed and it's now dark when I leave work. Even if I sneak out early there's no time for golf. Plus the rains have started. It's all very depressing -- it's officially "the off season".

On the plus side I've learned that there's a range with heated stalls not too far from my house. This year I took my driver and three wood out of my bag. I'm going to start researching drivers and buy one. Then I'm going to spend this off season working on the driver. That will be a nice bonus next year.

So I doubt I'll have a lot to post about over the next few months. However, in January I'm going to Taiwan and I will be golfing with my wife's uncle at a couple of incredible courses. I'll make sure to post about that.

Cheers!

Rob

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This is REAL Bad

This is bad, but you have to admit, it's kind of funny. I can think of a few people I would like to do this to.

I particularly I like the last guys reaction:



Cheers!

rob

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Buy a Little History

If you've got an extra couple of hundred dollars laying around, tomorrow at 11:00 Freeman's Auction House will be auctioning the Tom McNamara golf collection. Some items are very cool and within the price range of most duffers.

Here's a few items The Bad Golfer will not be bidding on:



A Pietzcker coloured photo, depicting Walter Hagen,inscribed Walter Hagen, and further inscribed PGA - 1921-24-25-26-27; USGA Open, 1914-19; Western Open, 1916-21-26-27; French Open, 1920; British Open, 1922-24-28-29,50.3cm x 40.4cm
Estimate $5,600-7,700

A black and white group photograph, depicting Tom McNamara, Francis Ouimet and two other golfers, seated on the ground with golf clubs, 11.8cm x 17.1cm; and another depicting Tom McNamara standing with three other golfers, 19.5cm x 24.6cm (2)
Estimate $750-1,300

A black and white photograph depicting Gene Sarazen, holding the claret jug and the US Open trophies and inscribed, 'To Leo McNamara from his friend Gene Sarazen', and signed, image size 28.3cm x 22.2cm
Estimate $940-1,700

But here's a couple I might try to lowball:


The Professional Golfers Association of America, 1973 Club Professional Championship Contestant money clip

Estimate: $200 -$ 300

A Hyde Imperial, 'Woodley Flier 27 1/2' mesh pattern gutty ball
Estimate $370-760

You can see the entire collection by visiting the Freeman's Auctioneers Website.

Cheers!

Rob

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Blog of the Week

Last week I touted the merits of the blog written by TC the Terrible. This is a well written, very funny blog that’s definitely worth a look. However, the blog has little to do with golf. This week I'd like to tell you of a blog that is just fantastic and is totally about golf. In fact, right now I'd say it is my favorite blog on the web.

The blog is called The Reluctant Jam Boy. It's written by a professional caddie named Tom. Rock Hudson putt: looks straight, but isn't. - The Reluctant Jam BoyThe stories he tells are laugh-out-loud funny and crafted in a way that will keep you coming back for more. You'll read stories about how he played a practical joke on his customers, how he tries to handicap his customers by the clubs they have, caddie lingo that's hilarious, and the recent entry, worthy of a spot in Sports Illustrated, is a great piece about a tournament he caddied in and his insecurities about reading the greens.

My favorite posts on Bad Golf are about my game on the green. If I'm lucky I play once a week. Now that the weather's turned that will be much less. But Tom's out there every day. He has a variety of loops to write about. And boy does he picks good ones.

Cheers!

Rob

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World's Greatest Golfer

Take a look folks. If you think that picture looks like Kim Jong II, the leader of North Korea, well, you're right, it is. But he also happens to be the world's greatest golfer. Here's the proof:

• Rounds Played: One
• Hole-In-Ones: Five
• Score for 18 holes: 38
• Score relative to par: -34

With all the news about North Korea this week, I was all set to do some serious reading on the net when I came across this gem. Then I was all set to write a great post about it, but someone beat me to it. I can't write it any better than the folks at Duffer's Golf Club did, so you might as well read their article. If you want to read a more serious article that mentions the golf game check out the article Gulag Nation by William C. Triplett.

Cheers!

Rob

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This is Kind of Cool

I really appreciate all of you who read my blog. You're obviously smart and discriminating. Therefore, I thought I share with you this little tidbit. Here is a map of the last 100 readers on this blog. If you're a regular reader, you might even find your home highlighted.

Cheers!

Rob

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