Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Corny Golf Jokes

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"


I'll be here all week. Tell your friends.


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Monday, February 26, 2007

Golfing in Taiwan

Before my trip to Taiwan my mother-in-law told me that she had friends who golf every day and I was invited to go with them. You can't imagine how happy I was. Normally when I got to Taiwan I spend my days sitting around the house watching CNN or table tennis championships on ESPN until the men come home from work. But this trip would be different. On this trip I'd be golfing.

Now, in America, we have this saying that starts "If something sounds too good to be true..."

Strike one - To begin with, it wasn’t every day; it was every weekday, Monday through Friday. I could live with this, I mean, it’s still golfing five days a week for three weeks, and in January. Come on, whose gunna complain about that.

Strike two – The course is not a regulation par 72 course. It’s an executive course, par 60, with seven par threes and two par fours. It’s also a nine-hole course, but you play it twice for your eighteen (and my hosts like to play thirty-six holes). Still, I’m not complaining, golf is golf and this will give me an opportunity to work on my mid-irons. I’m still psyched.

Strike Three – My hosts tee off at 5:30 in the morning, every morning. That’s not funny -- that’s going a little too far.

But still, I’m a trooper, I want to golf, so I agree to go. Therefore, two days after arriving in Taiwan, I found myself waking up at 5:00 am (which is 9:00 pm Pacific Time – so my clock was all screwed up) preparing to golf with people I can’t talk to.

My hosts, who I’m introduced to as Mr. and Mrs. Lin, pick me up at 5:20. They are a very friend husband and wife around sixty years old. He is a retired state Senator. They smile a lot and know how to say “Hello” and “Ok”. Our conversation goes something like this:

Mr. Lin: Hello
Me: Hi, nice to meet you.
Mr. Lin: Ok.
Me: Ok?
Mrs. Lin: (smiles)
Mr. Lin: (picking up my golf bag) Ok, ok. Hello. (Laughs).
Me: Ready.
Mr. Lin: Ok.

The drive to the course takes about 15 minutes. Chinese music plays on the radio and Mr. and Mrs. Lin chatter in Chinese. “Wow,” I think. “If I didn’t golf I wouldn’t be having this experience right now.” Then I look out the window into the still dark morning and wonder if that’s a good thing.

When we arrive at the first tee its still dark. There are a group of about twenty people between the ages of fifty and eighty stretching, farting, jabbering, and laughing. I’m still trying to figure out how I got here. After fifteen minutes of the pre-game ritual, Mr. Lin says “Ok,” and it’s off to the first tee.

“Ok,” he says, waving his hand, indicating that I have honors. I look out into the dark and think, “What the …” Mr. Lin smiles, points, and says, “E-by-san-woo.” I know enough Chinese to interpret that to mean 135. I just don’t know if that’s yards or meters. Yikes.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

My Daughter Golfing

Here's a video of my daughter golfing on her 2nd birthday. I have to fix that cross handed grip. The over under on when she beats me is 13. Place your bets!

Stay tuned, a posting about golfing in Taiwan is right around the corner.